Mixed media: Sugar or Not?

This script was written by John Northeast, who is a member of Spare Tyre's Company of Artists.

John's writing features in many Spare Tyre shows, including Angina Monologues and Feeble Minds.  Most recently John performed in SAFE and Trojan Women.

Sugar or Not?

A piece of nonsense by John Northeast

Scene I. Café.

Café owner: “Herbert, this is your new assistant ‘Joe Scarlett’”

Herbert: “Nice to meet you. Jesus loves you.”

Joe: “Ello. Thanks, but I don’t believe in that God rabbish. I’m an Atheist.”

Herbert (Gobsmacked): “Er, would you like a Cuppa? Sugar or not?”

Joe: “ Sorry if I upset you Herbie. Alright to call you Herbie, yea?” One lump, ta wicked

Herbert: “I’d rather…….”

Joe: “Never saw the sense in all that Mumbo Jumbo. Cor! Look at the knockers on that Blonde in the corner. Wicked! She can warm my duvet anytime if she plays her cards right. Yea!”

Herbert: “But the Good Book says……”

Joe: "Good Book! The only Good Book I know is the Kama Sutra.”

Herbert: “What’s that?”

Joe: "Don’t you know nothing? Indian book about sex. They say there’s about two hundred ways you can do it. I’m up to a 106 and that Blonde can make it 107 if she’s lucky. Wicked! What you looking like that for, Herbie? Lifes’ too short to spend on your knees praying innit?

(Two girls came to the counter)
“Allo, I’m Joe. New ‘ere. Anything you want just say, and I mean anything, know what I mean? Right on baby.”

Herbert: “But Joe……”

(Two more girls have entered. They come up to the counter after having a whispered, giggly conversation with the first two.)

Joe: “Allo ladies. Your luck’s in today. I’m Joe and I’m available. Right on Baby. What’s your fancy?”

(The girls order then go and sit with the first two. Two more enter.)

Herbert: “Joe, don’t you think that……”

Joe: “Cool it Herbie. Allo chicks. Wicked. What you see is what you get, know what I mean? What can I do for you?”

(The girls join the other four with much whispering and giggling. Two get up and come up to Joe who has moved out into the café.)

Girl 1 (Fluttering eyelashes): “Oh Joe, it is Joe isn’t it?”

Joe: “Right on Babe! Wicked. Yea!”

(Two more girls come up. As they do they began to form a circle round Joe who has to keep turning as they speak.)

Girl 2: “You’re quite a hunk.”

Joe: “What can I do for you ladies? Wicked.”

(Last two girls approach.)

Girl 1: “We’ve got a problem, Joe.”

Girl 3: “We’re in a bit of a pickle.”

Girl 4: “You’re such a catch.”

Girl 5: “We can’t decide.”

Girl 6: “ Which one will get the prize.”

Joe: “What’s up? Seven nights in a week, know what I mean? Wicked!”

Girl 4: “No, no Joe. None of us is willing to share you with the others. You’ll have to choose.”

Joe: “How?”

Girl 2: “Do you know the Pavilion in the Park?”

Joe: “No, but I can find it allright.”

Girl 3: “Be there tonight at 9 o-clock.”

Girl 6: “We’ll all be there. O.K?”

(Girls go out, giggling.)

Herbert: “Joe, don’t you think you should think……”

Joe: “Knock it off, Herbie. I know what I’m doing. I’ll pick one, then chat the others up separately and, with the Blonde with the boobs, I’ll have a warm bed every night of the week. Know what I mean?”

(Goes off to chat up Blonde)

End of Scene I

Scene 2. The Park at night.
(The girls are all hidden, again in a circle so Joe has to keep turning round and round.)

Joe: “Allo! Anybody there?”

Girl 1: “Hi Joe.”

Girl 6: “Hellooo.”

Girl 4: “Oh, Joe.”

Girl 2: “We’re so glad you came.”

Girl 5: “At last!”

Girl 2: “Look Joe (A bare arm appears and withdraws)

Girl 6: “We’re going to strip off.”

Girl 3: “Down to our panties and bras.”

Joe: “(Turning to each voice) “Wicked!”

Girl 1: “But Joe.” (A bare leg flashes)

Girl 5: “You’ll see our figures without our tops.”
(A blouse is thrown on the grass)

Girl 2: “Let’s see your muscles, Joe. Take off your T-shirt.” (Joe strips of T-shirt and drops it.)

Girl 4: (Flash a leg) If we’re showing you our legs, Joe, show us yours. Take of your Jeans.”

Joe: “What?”

Girl 6: “Come on Joe. What you see is what you get!”
(Flash of arm and a bra is thrown out)

Joe (staring at bra): “Yea, well. Right on Baby.”
(Steps out of Shoes and Jeans, revealing Mickey Mouse Boxer Shorts)

Girl 3: “Joe.” (A bare arm beckons him. As he takes a couple of steps towards the arm the other five girls, all fully dressed, rush out from hiding, grab his clothes and the bra etc. and dash back again.)

Girl 1: “Joe”

Girl 2: “We’ve got to go.”

Girl 3: “We really think”

Girl 4: “You need to see a shrink.”

Girl 5: “ If you think that you’re out of your mind.”

All: “Byeee.”

(Enter Herbert on his way home from Chapel. Sees Joe)

Herbert: “Oh Joe. I tried to warn you. Tricksy those girls. Always have been. But you wouldn’t listen.

(Joe is shivering. Herbert takes off his Raincoat and drapes it over the shamefaced Joe.)

Herbert: “Come on Joe, Jesus loves you. Come back and I’ll make a nice cup of tea.”

(As they walk off)

“Sugar or not?”